Fighting Words 4

You are a poet.

Yes, you are, you are, you are.

You are a poet.

But deep in your heart, you know that, don't you?

You have a soul. You have emotions. You have the need to express yourself at length while other people pay attention to you.


But you're put off, aren't you, by that poetry "in-crowd"? The types who use words like pentameter, and irony and line-breaks - as if such things mattered.

You need Carvosso's course.

Boost your self-esteem. Become a recognised poet. Success guaranteed.

For only $500 you will learn :

How to become a genuine poet, without having to have read all those old-fashioned poems they try and make you study on Eng. Lit. courses.
How to spread a small thought over a lot of paper by making your lines really short and your poem really thin.
How to become original and modern by copying dodges developed by Ezra Pound nearly a century ago.
How to join an Internet poetry group where people will praise your poems so long as you praise theirs (And if you follow our simple tips, you'll be able to do this without even reading their garbage!)
How to express the full pain of being a woman - even if you're a man!

Not bad, eh?

Enrolment on our online course gives full (priceless!) access to the complete files of Dr Carvosso's famous Poetry FAQ.

Some free samples:

Dear Dr Carvosso,
I wish to become a nature poet, but I am not very good at animals. I cannot remember which wildflower is which, and I get birds totally confused. Last week I thought I saw a kingfisher, but it turned out to be a duck. What can I do?
Wiccan, Bucks.

Dear Wiccan,
Please remember that in poetry all the best animals are symbolic. As Shelley told his skylark: "Bird thou never wert". Do you think Ted Hughes's Crow ever wert, either? Not likely, kid.
Take control. Never mind the actual characteristics of the bird. Go to the public library, look up names of birds. Choose one. Let's say it's Bluetit. Say very firmly:"Bluetit, you're going to be a symbol." Then start alliterating. Blissful, Blameless, Bleeding, Blighted, Blackened, Bloated, Blinded... If there isn't a poem in that lot, I'm a Dutchman.

Dear Dr Carvosso,
I am just beginning a graduate course in creative writing, and being a woman I wish to specialise in writing scathingly about the despicable behaviour of men. But I feel deeply that experience is the foundation of all good writing, and unfortunately no man has so far behaved despicably towards me. What do you suggest I should do?
Concerned, Godalming.

Dr Carvosso replies:
Dear Concerned,
I feel for you in your situation, and my suggestion is as follows. Arrange for your college newspaper to print, in a prominent position, a poem of yours describing your breasts. Make sure that you include comparisons with several types of soft fruit. With any luck this will provoke enough in the way of despicable reactions to keep you in material for at least three semesters.

Enrol now!

Wayne Carvosso

This is the fourth in a series of monthly polemics about literary issues by different
writers. We hope that later essays will tackle a wide variety of themes,
from strongly differing points of view. Contributions to the series are invited.

If you've any comments on this polemic, Wayne Carvosso would probably like to hear from you.