Nine Short Poems

1.
Whenas in spandex Julia goes
Then, then (my god!), as cherries pose
On ice cream scoops, each nipple shows.
Next, my eyes, drawn downward, see
Inside its opened pod a pea.
Oh, what those nodes arouse in me!

2.
Whenas in workboots Julia goes,
With courduroys and flannel clothes,
And studs in lip and ear and nose
Her hair an asymmetric cut
Her walk an unselfconscious strut --
Oh, how I long to pat her butt!

3.        
The Finger
Here's to the man who invented the finger
The insult seen not heard --
The first to say from far away
He gave us all the bird.

Without him we would not have known
This gesture that you see --
So let his name go down in fame,
Whatever it may be.

4.
One syllable, one vowel, nine letters long,
With diphthongs of extraordinary lengths;
I hope the hint I give is not too strong:
What common English word has all these strengths?

5. 
Safety Clear
You walked away as if you couldn’t hear,
No matter what we said, our calling you –
You walked away as if the cliff weren’t there,
As if you saw the bridge to safety clear,
As if that were the one thing you could do,
Your spirit wild and weightless as the air.

6.
Der erste hat ein Haar gespalten
Un einen Vortrag daruber gehalten.
Der zweit fugt es neu zusammen
Und muss die Ansicht des ersten verdammen.
Im buche des dritten kann man lesen,
Es sei nicht das richtige Haar gewesen.
                                        Ludwig Fulda

The first professor split a hair
And lectured as it withered there.
The second fixed the hair and cursed
The senseless theories of the first.
The third one’s book proved, I recall,
They had the wrong hair after all. 

7.
I went to the Viscount's for tea;
It was just as I feared it would be:
Although we were masked
I'm constantly asked
If the big or the small one was me.

8.
Esmerelda arrived where a bunch
Of her gypsies had barbecued lunch
At the table d'hote
She asked "Where's my goat -
Quasimodo, do you have a hunch?" 

9.
The Brazilian