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Birds rarely visited my two balconies. I had been here several years and guess I was just lucky. Both balconies are enclosed on two sides by walls providing privacy. Since I am on the top floor, the far ends of these walls can serve as an excellent perch for looking across a portion of City Centre, Cardiff, which includes the Tabernacle Chapel’s hipped roof of Welsh slate. That absence of birds changed this spring.
A lone seagull began utilizing my bedroom balcony. I might not have known, but the gull found the balcony would amplify its screeching and squawking. The gull didn’t come often. Opening the window and leaning out while gesticulating wildly was sufficient to scare it away. But the day came when it would no longer be scared of my demonstrations, would stare at me as if I were a harmless fool, and now the gull was coming more often. Because the door for the bedroom balcony doesn't work - someday I’ll have it repaired - I had no choice but to arm myself to deal with the gull from the window.
I began keeping a small, bright-colored water pistol on the windowsill. This proved both effective and entertaining. The spray barely reached the gull, but seeing it coming at them was enough to scare them away, briefly. I cannot truly know if it was the same seagull every time. They all look alike. Still, I suspected this was just one damned, gutsy, persistent seagull, who was progressively testing my range and limits. There came a time when I reached for the water pistol and, for no reason I could understand, it had deteriorated and wouldn’t squirt. More water sprayed from the trigger than from the nozzle. I reverted to waving my arms furiously and shouting at the bird, which proved less and less effective. When passionate displays of attempted violence and hatred were not enough, I took to throwing an ice cube at it.
Why ice cubes? I worked on the premise that anything I threw I would not be able to retrieve. I didn’t want to litter, and ice is cheap to manufacture and source. It was a financially acceptable loss.
My first shot was a wonderful success. I hit the gull just as it was taking flight. I wasn't trying to injure it, merely wanting to make a lasting impression. But when I heard the sound of the ice hitting the unseen ground or a roof, I started to worry about what damage the ice cube might do after it left the top floor. I would have to think of something else.
That very next afternoon, I came home and there was the damned seagull, not just perched on the far end of the wall that divides the balconies, but pressing its beak against the window inspecting the interior of my bedroom. The battle of the balcony was growing hotter.
I went out and bought a £3 plastic spray bottle from the hardware stall in a local market. Better than the water pistol, it delivered more water that reached the target with spray. It worked perfectly, until the third time. The third time the cheap Chinese plastic of the trigger components crumbled in my hand. I had to act as if I was prepared to climb out the window before the gull flew off.
One night I heard a thunk outside my window. It was too dark to see, so I turned on the balcony lights. The gull had brought a friend. Fortunately, just turning on the lights was enough to upset them and they left, this time. The war was escalating. The gull had brought reinforcements.
I went to the Pound Shop and bought a new £1.50 plastic spray bottle. When I got it home, I noticed the mechanism was produced in an identical mold to the previous spray bottle, but this time the plastic seemed hardier. The damned gull, often with its mate, kept coming back, but they would leave when I shot water at them, until....
The damned birds finally realized they were waterfowls. They perched there and stared at me while I sprayed them. They presented a dispassionate indifference.
It was infuriating. I have been tempted to order a water blaster online, but what to do in the meanwhile? I threw the cork of a wine bottle at the gulls. I missed, but the gulls didn't like it, were sufficiently alarmed to retreat. It worked, even though the cork was so light. I was unable to aim the cork or have it deliver much oomph at the end of its trajectory. Surprisingly, the gulls did not return for a couple of days. I could see the gulls on the nearby balcony belonging to a neighbor, but they were leaving mine alone. Meanwhile, I had built a small arsenal of corks. I had not deployed them all, which is good because it wasn't a large supply. The pair eventually did come back. I recognized that my supply of corks would soon be depleted and I don’t drink often enough to resupply – although I have some friends who think otherwise.
At this point, I was considering the more powerful water blaster, something powerful enough to knock a gull off the ledge. I was not looking to seriously injure it. Before risking the investment, I made a serendipitous discovery. I was taking a bath, as I do every day, and had finished all the shampoo in the bottle. It was while I was in the tub rinsing out the plastic shampoo bottle in preparation for recycling that I discovered what a fantastic force it had, squeezing the bottle produced a jet of water that hit hard against the tiled wall.
Armed with a 400ml bottle of Head & Shoulders Apple Fresh, filled with water and kept on the windowsill, I can reach my target with enough impact to push the gulls. They do not come as often, but they still come. For the time being, the Head & Shoulders bottle remains effective as a defense, although not as a deterrent.
There is a downside that worries me about future battles. I can get only one, maybe two, good blasts from the Head & Shoulders bottle and then it has to be refilled. Preparation is the key to a good defense.
I bought a slingshot, or as it is more customarily called in Britain, a catapult. The BeWild Wood Catapult is a solid piece of hard wood 14.5cm tall and carved into a Y shape. It is strung with thick double bands. For the payload, I will be filling the leather pad with KP Dry Roasted Peanuts. I am never without a large stock of this ammo in the kitchen cabinet. Before the seagull invasion, these peanuts were a favorite nosh. I have plenty to spare. I can use one large peanut or increase the shot pattern by inserting multiple small ones into the pad, effectively bird shot. I’ve not yet tried it, but let the world of seagulls be forewarned, I am not to be trifled with.
Mr Bentzman will continue to report here regularly about
the events and concerns of his life. If you've any
comments or suggestions, he would be pleased to hear from you.
You can find his
several books at www.Bentzman.com.
Enshrined
Inside Me, his second collection of
essays, is now available to purchase.
